At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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