What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
