I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
