My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
