I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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