Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
