I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
