have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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