You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
