So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
