If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
