I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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