My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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