Four minutes until I can fart!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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