Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you had me at cake vodka
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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