My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
