I can text with my tongue
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
