i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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