ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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