jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
