There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Can I color on your dick again?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
