it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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