The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
