my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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