Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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