that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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