Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
