i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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