I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
