mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
