Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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