respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
