got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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