these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
