listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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