u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
