Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
