If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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