My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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