Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
