I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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