He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
