It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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