i may or may not be watching the land before time
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
