I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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