He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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