Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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