the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
