Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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