the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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